Finding peace


Couples embark on the journey to create a family with hopes, dreams and the expectation of one day delivering a healthy newborn.  Sex becomes more intimate and meaningful. Each night is the possibility of creating that spark of life that changes lives forever.  However after months of trying, a sense of foreboding dread can fill hearts. “Could there be something wrong with me or my partner?” “Might we never hold our child in our arms?”

Regardless of how infertility is discovered, the shock and sense of loss is universally painful. Once taken for granted senses of control, trust, and optimism are profoundly shaken. Many go through intense feelings of loss leading to painful yearnings, loneliness and distress. If multiple attempts of resolution are unsuccessful, couples are forced give up past dreams, constantly readjust present plans “If I’m pregnant in June…”, and embrace a future with or without a child. This often results in growing feelings of purposelessness, detachment from people and activities once enjoyed (especially involving young children or pregnancy) and a shattered world view.  Unless family and friends have experienced infertility themselves, it can be very hard for them to relate and therefore acknowledge the validity of the pain couples experience.

Grief is natural and important

However grief represents a natural response to the profound loss experienced through infertility and miscarriage. Working through grief constructively can transform the experience of infertility into one of great personal growth and meaning.

Classical approaches such as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s grief model present a series of phases that people pass through on their road to healing. Another empowering approach to grief resolution is based on J. William Worden’s bereavement work in which couples consciously work through a series of healing tasks under their control to move through grief.  This method provides a sense of leverage and hope that there is something couples can do to adapt in a positive way to circumstances that feel out of their control. They can also control their own pace of healing.

These tasks are not a fixed progression but rather can be revisited and worked on simultaneously over time as couples are ready. Grieving is a fluid process.

The four mourning tasks adapted from J. William Worden’s work on bereavement are:

 

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